Dietrich
Bonhoeffer in his book, Psalms: The
Prayer Book of the Bible, tell us:
“If we want to read and to pray the prayers of the Bible and especially
the Psalms, therefore, we must not ask first what they have to do with us, but
what they have to do with Jesus Christ.
We must ask how we can understand the Psalms as God’s Word, and then we
shall be able to pray them. It does not depend, therefore, on whether the
Psalms express adequately that which we feel at a given moment in our heart. If
we are to pray aright, perhaps it is quite necessary that we pray contrary to
our own heart. Not what we want to pray is important, but what God wants us to
pray . . . The richness of the Word of God ought to determine our prayer, not
the poverty of our heart.” (pp. 14-15)
I
was struck by this when reading Psalm 38. What does this psalm have to do with
me, I asked myself. The psalm is about someone afflicted with terrible guilt
over a wrong-doing. If written by David, this would be appropriate. He slept
with another man’s wife then arranged for her husband to be killed in battle.
Certainly this is a sin worthy of this psalm.
But
I haven’t murdered anyone or done anything that terrible, have I? I haven’t
done anything to warrant the suffering the writer is undergoing: “My wounds
grow foul and fester because of my foolishness, I am utterly bowed down and
prostrate; all the day I go about mourning. For my loins are filled with
burning, and there is no soundness in my flesh. I am utterly spent and crushed;
I groan because of the tumult of my heart.” (5-8)
In
response, he remains silent, standing like a man who is deaf and dumb. “But I
am like a deaf man, I do not hear, like a dumb man who does not open his
mouth.” (13) Silence is part of his penance. He must stand silent and wait for
God, “But for thee, O Lord, do I wait; it is thou, O Lord my God, who wilt
answer.” (15) It is all in God’s hands.
The
only recourse the writer has is to sincerely confess his sin, “I confess my
iniquity, I am sorry for my sin.” (18) The psalm ends with a renewed appeal to
God, “Do not forsake me, O Lord! O my God, be not far from me! Make haste to
help me, O Lord, my salvation!” (21-22)
The
writer is left on his knees before God, waiting for God to respond to his prayers.
It is fitting to end the psalm this way. Far too often we expect immediate
forgiveness for our sins. We think if we but apologize, everything will be
forgiven. It’s not that our God withholds forgiveness. Our God is slow to
anger, rich in kindness, as stated repeatedly in the Psalms. God doesn’t
withhold forgiveness, but he can’t give us forgiveness until we are truly ready
for it.
In
the movie, The Mission, a man who had
killed another, is given a very heavy load to carry up a mountainside. The man
struggles and struggles under the burden. It pulls him back down the hillside.
It appears it may be the death of him before he reaches the summit of the
mountain. When
others ask that the priest relieve him of his burden and say that he has
suffered enough, the priest refuses and the man also refuses to let go of the
heavy bundle. It is only when they reach the mountaintop that the priest cuts
the rope binding the load to the man, setting him free. Then the man is finally
able to let go of his guilt and accept forgiveness.
The
writer of this psalm does not receive immediate forgiveness. There is no cheap
grace for him. He needs time to recognize the depth of his failure, the depth
of his sinfulness and only then will he receive the forgiveness he seeks.
To
carry a burden of guilt can be hard. It can afflict us physically and
spiritually. It can rob our lives of joy. Some suffer from false guilt for
things over which they have no control. False guilt is not good. Some
psychiatrists and others in efforts to relieve people of false guilt have gone
to the extreme of ridding us of all guilt.
But
there is a place for guilt. Guilt lets us know we have done something wrong,
that our lives are not in accord with God’s will. In this sense it is a gift to
us. If we never feel guilty and in need of forgiveness, then how will we
experience the gift which is forgiveness?
The
first step to forgiveness is to acknowledge our guilt. We may not have sinned
in a way that is life threatening to our spirit, or a mortal sin, yet enough
small sins that we justify and refuse to acknowledge can lead to a deadening of
the spirit. We may say we have nothing in common with the writer of this
psalm--that it does not apply to us. Think again.
So
if you feel rightly guilty over some wrong you have done, rejoice! God is
leading you back to him where you might experience God’s mercy and loving
kindness.
Has
guilt ever been a gift in your life?
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